Be Still

I wonder why I am so calm. I wonder why I'm not on medication. I wonder why I'm not balled up in a gutter. Will I fall apart when everyone stops praying for us? I cry a lot. I'm sad. But I really feel peaceful. I talk to my son and feel him close by me. Will my Savior leave me at some point and make this harder than it already is?

Today I saw the policeman that came when our son died. He was doing radar speed traps. I made an illegal U-turn and jumped out asking for a hug. He is this big burly man with a peppered beard. He wouldn't let me in the room to hold Joe's dead body. He couldn't. We live in a terrible world. I asked him why the paramedics weren't doing CPR on my son. I must have asked him this at least 20 times. Shock is terrible. But I am truly amazed that God has heard my prayers. I have asked for Him to take away the images of when I found him and when I think about that day... which is very often, almost every single moment... I can only remember his dead body in a white blanket and me kissing his soft cheeks. Even in death he was absolutely perfect. It's weird to think he's in adult form again but will return to infant form. I'm so fascinated by all we will do together in the resurrection. Will I be able to breastfeed him again? The prophet Joseph Smith said mothers will "nourish" their children again... but is that physical?

I know this is a lesson in patience. There is no doubt. I just want to hold him and embrace him and smother him with kisses. My sweet little boy. My sweet baby.

There are so many good people. Alicia called today. She makes me smile. I'm so lucky to have her support.

I try to be the kindest person I can be. When I can make another person smile I'm happier. When I can do something good and my children see, then I feel joy that is indescribable. Today Christina was saying something and I said, "Remember what they do to narks in Columbia." and the guy at the counter started busting up. I was so happy to make him laugh. Every single day is different now. Every day truly is a blessing. Today I pushed my 2 little sweethearts on swings at a park. A beautiful park that I had once laid my baby boy down on a blanket in the grass. It started to lightly drizzle. My baby boy got to feel rain on his face. I'm so happy that he got to feel rain on his face! Will it rain in the resurrection? What will the weather be like? I am so grateful for each moment. I worried that my daughters might fall from the swing. Would a fall from the swing kill them? Would they die if they fell from a concussion? What would I ever do without them? What am I doing now? But the thing of it is, I really feel Joe close to me. He is with me. A priesthood blessing to me so and it's just truth.

Pioneer stories should be banned from church for at least 3 months if there is a person who has recently lost a loved one. I'm not a pioneer. I can't just get over it. I don't want to hear depressing stories about perseverance. I wanted to dig the grave for my son. But you CAN'T!! YOU CAN'T DIG YOUR OWN SON'S GRAVE!! It's against the law!!! I wanted to but couldn't. I had to settle for the bird. I had to settle for digging the bird's grave at night lit by a little lantern. I did this a month before Joe died and thought to myself, I hope my children never die. A young adult who had some mental problems came up to Jody and said aren't you the TMCC guy? He was so sweet. He told Joe, "Well thank God you're here at church. Will you be here every Sunday?" He really wanted my husband there.

Grief is truly a sickness. But I will let it all out. My Savior is healing me. I feel it. I truly feel it.
And now I will be still. I will turn off my mind and just feel the love of my Savior and my son who is by me. And tomorrow will be another beautiful and wonderful day. Maybe I'll post about the funeral tomorrow. Maybe not.

His Blanket

At first I carried around his sleeper by my heart and couldn't put it down. As if that could ever fill the emptiness that was ripped out of my chest. I was having nightmares, but then I started sleeping with his blanket and they stopped. I find happiness in each day. I feel our son close by me. Today was my birthday and it was a good day. Each day will be a good day. I am totally overwhelmed by all the love and kindness that people have shown us. I will post more details. But for now I just want to look at pictures of our beautiful son and share a miracle. One miracle of many.

The miracle is that of the priesthood. We received blessings after JoJo's death. I felt nothing but coldness, emptiness, sorrow, shock, devastation, heaviness... but then, after the blessing, I felt peace. I know I feel peace because of the following reasons:

1. God has promised to give us comfort.

2. God hears our prayers and the countless other prayers from our brothers and sisters.

3. Our children Christina and Maria are really angels of mercy

4. JoJo also is also an angel of mercy and I often feel him close by

5. The resurrection is a reality because of Jesus Christ

JoJo's Obituary

Joseph Edward Lykes

July 15, 2009 - September 11, 2009

Our sweet everything. Perfection. Absolute perfection, our first born beautiful son. Calm and mild, joy and utter happiness, you are our baby boy. Our little man. Named after your father, named after greatness, you were and will be throughout all eternity God's finest. God's grace was your smile and we will be together forever. Heavenly Father has blessed our home with your amazing spirit and we are forever grateful for the time spent loving you. We will continue loving you forever.

Sweet JoJo is survived by his proud parents, Joseph and Sofia Lykes; little mothers/sisters, Christina and Maria; loving grandparents, Papa Bob and Yaya Christina Withers; adoring great-grandmother, Yaya Sofia Diotallevi and countless other family and friends who found heaven through our baby. Funeral Services will be held Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 12 noon at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, 2955 Rock Blvd, Sparks, NV. ALL are welcome to celebrate the return of our son's valiant spirit to the open arms of the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ and our loving Heavenly Father.

Our Son has Died

On Friday, Sept. 11, 2009 our perfect son died. This is my blog, my journal and so I need to write down our experience so it can help others. I'll start by just stating for the record that I know that Jesus Christ lives. That Heavenly Father does all things in wisdom and His plan is divine. I know that we will all be resurrected and that one day I will hold my son again. I know that my greatest joy in this life is knowing that my family is eternal. I ache and am broken but my Savior will heal me. I am heavy with sorrow but already He has given me peace and will continue to lift me.

I set my JoJo down for nap. Right in the middle of the bed like always with 2 pillows on the side and one in front so he wouldn't fall off. I checked on him 2 times. I checked on him the 3rd time and he was gone. I screamed. I tried CPR. My father tried CPR. He didn't even cry. His eyes were clear. His lungs were clear, he didn't choke or suffocate. It was SIDS the coroner informed the doctor. He wasn't in pain and didn't suffer.

There is so much more I need to write about this. And I will. God is good, He is merciful. A lot of people have come to me asking Why. Why? But I know exactly why. My God needed our son. He was a valiant servant and it was a glorious day in heaven when he returned.

September 1,2009... Signed, Sealed and Delivered

It's official. My husband spoils me. We have the keys to our new home.

Signing the papers was smooth. Our children angels for 2 1/2 hours while we put pen to pad.

Debbie, Carol and the title lady were super. Wells Fargo made us a little nervous as it took 5 people and 40 minutes to make a cashier's check. Really? Ghetto bank.

Painting has gone great. Seeing as Joe has done all of it.

Moving boxes has gone great. Seeing as Joe has done all of it.

Seriously, he is super buff. Nice arms. I hope they never have to be amputated. Yum.

(As in spectacular arms, not in eating amputated human flesh)

I made a valence for the play room and painted some used thrift items. (Pictures later)

Friday will be the big move. Saturday Mr. Ibarra comes! Sunday is my son's blessing.

Gina's baby shower in a week. Christina's birthday party the week after. And hopefully Ronja will be here with Amyra!

And then I plan on doing absolutely nothing.

Seriously, I'm going out to the desert and riding on a horse with no name.

(I just finished Stargirl again by Jerry Spinelli... seriously, BEST book ever)

And we were driving to Papa's when we saw a tarantula the size of my daughter's head just walking down the street. The girls have been talking about it non stop. Pretty creepy. I hope someone ran it over. I couldn't, seeing as it's one of God's creatures. I know, totally hypocritical.

Your Mom

So I love the primary blog I do. It's been a very sacred experience for me.
But I've hit a road bump. I have a cyber stalker who is making feeble attempts to attack it.
So far the banter has gone as follows

Anonymous: This is gay.
Sofia: I forgive you.
Anonymous: Thank you for forgiving me, I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my soul.
Sofia: Sister/Brother Anonymous- 3 Ne. 11: 29 "For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another." This blog will not be a place of contention. If you choose to continue posting rude and sarcastic remarks, you will be deleted. Let the words stand for now and may the angels record it for your Father in Heaven to judge.

I'm actually semi-disturbed that someone would take the time to put down these ideas that can do nothing but strengthen homes. Such an odd experience.

Pam and Angelo's 40th Sundae Part-ae!

On Sunday, we went to a delightful Sundae party to celebrate Pam and Angelo's 40th anniversary. Now these 2 people are some of the nicest and most wonderful people you'd ever meet in life. They are an example to us all of what love truly is... service and kindness.

It was hosted by their lovely and beautiful daughters Kerrie, Mia and Kimmy (not pictured).

This little fellow just slept the whole time :)
These 2 little ladies enjoyed ice cream with toppings galore! Bedtime was super fun that night!

The girls even got to go camping with their cousin Whitney in the front yard. Dirt is yummy!
The cousins!!
Theo George! Isn't he happy and fun!
Thea Maria (who our Maria was named after) and Uncle Virgil.
Enjoying some good burning man conversation.
This is one of my favorite pictures of us. We look exhausted. But there is no one in life I'd rather be tired with. 7 years later, we're sleepy but utterly blissed out. God has been good to us to put it lightly.

Yaya with the little man. Isn't she beautiful!