My brother has those pants!

I would consider the Zombie Crawl a "night" for Ram and I. We don't go out often and I was thinking about how much time has changed and not changed us.

For one, we now wear sweatshirts or jackets. We don't like being cold. 

Also, we are so old we don't need alcohol bracelets.

We also talk of pain and if our backs or heads are hurting.

I will say, I felt like a 3rd wheel. 

AND WAS THRILLED ABOUT IT!!!

I loved walking behind them. Seeing him hold her, gently touch her hair, say kind things to her, make her laugh.

I never experienced that and it made my heart truly happy. To know my best friend has a man who cherishes her, who desires her, who knows her worth.

I cannot express how that was the highlight of my night. To know she is safe with someone who loves her. To know she has arms that will hug her. I look forward to what time will bring with these 2. 

Stevers. 

And the most beautiful woman in the world. 

Ram.

It's ironic because I don't like make up but I do love face paint. Every Halloween now it's a thing for me. It's cleansing. Seeing myself as dead. 

Because I am. So much of me has died.

I have lost so very much. 

My loss threatens to overwhelm me Every. Single. Day.

And yet, somehow I keep going. 

There is this song by J Cole, Apparently:

"I keep my head high

I got my wings to carry me

I don't know freedom

I want my dreams to rescue me

I keep my faith strong

I ask the Lord to follow me

I've been unfaithful

I don't know why you call on me"

Death is a constant reminder in my life to live fully. I can't say that I do. I sacrifice a lot, including my happiness. But I do pray that a time will come when it all wont hurt so much. 

So until then, I wipe off the skeleton and remind myself that I am alive. To find my joy where I can and breath.

Thanks Ram for always being fresh air and for loving me and being who you are. 

We'll always be best friends. I should get a tattoo of your face on my outer thigh.